Henry N. Beard Books

Tired of being beaten by an honest game of golf, self-proclaimed hacker Henry Beard figured that he didn't need a new swing--his game just needed a new set of rules. WithThe Official Exceptions to the Rules of Golf, he created a bible for the sensible golfer who doesn't have time to lose. You'll learn how to cope with pesky influences: missed shots and lost balls that wreak havoc on your score. Did you search unsuccessfully for your ball in the fairway? Don't panic. All you have to do is declare that it is a Ball Missing in Fairway But Obviously Not Lost (Exception #6) and drop another ball into the approximate spot where itmusthave landed. What could make more sense? Filled withfairrules, this is the book that every practical golfer must have.

Saucy guide to survival in everyday French as it is really spoken. Included are chapters on insults, sex, drink, and those silent yet expressive Gallic gestures.

Leslie Nielsen, the World's Greatest Bad Golfer, teams up with humorist Henry Beard to produce a golf book for legions of hopeless duffers who know in their heart of hearts that no matter how much they practice, no matter what new tip they follow, no matter what foolproof method they embrace, they are never going to improve. Lavishly illustrated with more than 100 photos of the master himself, this bestselling golf parody is the perfect gift for Father's Day.

Designed to guide the reader through the use of Latin, this humorous book includes everyday English expressions rendered into grammatically accurate, idiomatically correct, classical Latin, with an easy-to-use pronunciation guide included. This is the sequel to Latin for all Occasions.

In Encyclopedia Paranoiaca, master satirists Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf have assembled an authoritative, disturbingly comprehensive, and utterly debilitating inventory of things poised to harm, maim, or kill you – all of them based on actual research about the perils of everyday life. Beard and Cerf cite convincing evidence that everyday things we consider healthy – eating leafy greens, flossing, washing our hands – are actually harmful, and items we thought were innocuous – drinking straws, flip-flops, neckties, skinny jeans – pose life-threatening dangers. Did you know that nearly ten thousand people are sent to A&E each year because of escalator accidents? And if you're crossing your legs right now, you're definitely at serious risk.

More humor from the bestselling authors of Sailing, Gardening, Cooking, and Fishing. A perfect Father's Day gift!

Now that some American students have to fill in questionnaires for consensual lovemaking, going on a date is more of a minefield than ever before. This book aims to tell readers the truth about politically correct sex and is anecdotal, topical and amusing.

From the master of parodies comes the unauthorized history of the world's most infuriating yet irresistible game

With more than 200,000 copies in print, Latin for All Occasions and its follow-up, Latin for Even More Occasions , have helped scores of readers harness the language of Caesar and Cicero. Impress your boss with Occupational Latin (Lingua Latina Occupationi); sell your product with Sales Latin (Lingua Latina Mercatoria); flirt with your classics professor with Sensual Latin (Lingua Latina Libidinosa); look like the hipster you are with Pop-Cultural Latin (Lingua Latina Popularis); survive the holidays with Familial Latin (Lingua Latina Domestica) and Celebrational Latin (Lingua Latina Festiva). It’s all here, whether you’re a student of the language or just want to talk like one. From cocktail-party banter to climbing the corporate ladder to online dating, Latin for All Occasions features dozens of handy sections, including Las Vegas Latin, Latin for Golfers, Latin for Breakups, Latin for the Politically Correct, and much, much more. In one easy-to-use volume, National Lampoon founder Henry Beard presents hundreds of listings rendered in grammatically accurate classical Latin, with a foolproof pronunciation guide. Who says Latin is a dead language? From the comic genius who brought us X-Treme Latin comes Latin for All Occasions , guaranteed to help readers delight their friends, insult their enemies, and elevate the public discourse.

This illustrated Zen manual for cats explores and uncovers the whys and wherefores of a cat's spiritualism, including Butsuneko Shingyo (the teachings of Buddha's cat), Isu Bushi (the sofa samurai), and Ninja-gaku (the art of the silent attack).

Newly expanded and up-to-the-minute, a bestselling guide to survival in multicultural America in the sensitive 1990s. Includes even more real and satirical definitions to help keep thought cops away. Illustrated throughout.

Leslie Nielsen, best known as Lieutenant Frank Drebin from the Naked Gun films, is also celebrated among golfers as the World's Greatest Bad Golfer. Collaborating with humorist Henry Beard, Nielsen has created a unique collection of humorous insights and absurd tips in the Stupid Little Golf Book. This work is crafted to resemble a serious study of golf but offers no tedious drills or complex instructions. Instead, it provides straightforward advice on how to navigate the game with cunning and charm, alongside amusing anecdotes of questionable sportsmanship. From basics like grip technique to a "Foolproof Way to Knock at Least Six Strokes off Your Score" (which humorously suggests skipping the last hole), this book is a lighthearted take on golf for the average player. Nielsen, a beloved actor with a wealth of film credits, is recognized for his memorable mishaps on the golf course, including infamous shots like "The Shank Heard Round the World" and the "hole-in-none." With this book, he brings joy back to the game, making it accessible and entertaining for all. Henry Beard, a National Lampoon founder, has also contributed to the humor genre with several bestselling titles related to golf.

WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TODAY -- IF YOU HAD 50 BILLION DOLLARS?Find out on Bill Gates' Personal Super Secret Private Laptop: A Microspoof. Due to a miraculous twist of fate, the laptop you hold in your hand came into the possession of Henry Beard, John Boswell, and Ron Barrett, a trio of concerned, if computer-illiterate, citizens and authors of such bestselling humor books as O.J.'s Legal Pad and French for Cats. Now that these three have hired precocious preteens to hock into Gates' secret notes, plans, e-mails, and to-do lists, we can all be privy to the intellectual property of the richest man in the world.Fabulously fabricated in two-color throughout, Bill Gates' Personal Super Secret Private Laptop exhaustively captures the mind, spirit, and nerdiness of Bill Gates -- the guy who owns you, or soon will.

In staff meetings and singles bars, on freeways and fairways, there are aggravating people lurking everywhere these days. But bestselling humorist Henry Beard has the perfect comeback for all prickly situations, offering a slew of quips your nemesis won't soon forget . . . or even understand.Beard's gift is his ability to make fun of popular culture and the current zeitgeist. In X-Treme Latin he provides Latin with an attitude, an indispensable phrasebook that taps the secret power of Latin to deliver, in total safety, hundreds of impeccable put-downs, comebacks, and wisecracks. Within its pages you will learn how to insult or fire coworkers; blame corporate scandals on someone else; cheer at a World Wrestling Entertainment match; talk back to your computer, TV, or Game Boy; deal with your road rage; evade threatening situations; snowboard in style; talk like Tony Soprano; and much more.With dozens more zingers for quashing e-mail pranks, psyching out your golf opponent, giving backhanded compliments, and evading awkward questions, X-Treme Latin is destined for magnus popularity and will have readers cheering, “Celebremus!”

Sometimes childish, sometimes rude, always clever and always very, very funny this book has delighted most, and outraged a few, Tolkien fans in the US for nearly 30 years. Pulling in references to popular culture and fantasy literature as a whole this is a killingly effective parody of Lord of the Rings. From the dreary Goddamn (Gollum), to the feckless Arrowroot (Aragorn), the bungling Goodgulf (Gandalf) to the timid, meanminded boggies Frito (Frodo) and Dildo (Bilbo) no character is safe. Fleeing the Nozdrul, bored by acid-casualty Tim Benzedrine and harrassed throughout by the minions of Sorhed the fellowship move through a Middle Earth like no other. Short, sharp and very much to the point even Tolkien would be hard-pressed to surpress a giggle at Bored of the Rings.